Wild Hogs in Alaska

The tundra may never recover

The tundra may never recover

June 25, 2014

Way back in the 80s, my brother Mike and his Lambda Lambda Lambda fraternity brothers spent a summer in Alaska working to make their fortunes ripping the innards of various animals such as shad, halibut, octopus and honey badgers. Being educated college boys, one would think that they would have asked themselves, “How will gutting these poor, defenseless critters make me a fortune?” but they didn’t. Instead they got flat tops from a guy in Homer, listened to Duran Duran and spent long days in the cannery, avoiding the gazes of big, hairy, love-starved Alaskan cannery women.   One day after their shifts were over, they stumbled upon a gang of big, hairy, love-starved bikers. Mike pointed at them and yelled, “HEY, COOL! CAN I TAKE YOUR MOTORCYCLE ON SOME SWEET JUMPS?”  The bikers then pummeled Mike and his frat brothers into submission, but since that time Mike has been taking about riding motorcycles in Alaska.

The idea festered for 25 years, much like a weeping boil or an overcooked bratwurst, when, in 2011 I, along with brother Mike and brothers-in-law Joe and Grant talked about it and decided to get it done. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?*

*the worst that can happen includes: cramps, explosive diarrhea, being eaten by griz, being trampled by moose, getting chased by large, hairy love-starved cannery women, being run off of the road by enormous RVs driven by crazed seniors trying to cram in  adventure very quickly, excessive blood loss from large, hairy love-starved mosquitos, Sarah Palin, MSG overdose from Ramen noodles and freeze dried backpacking food, etc. 

About the Hogs: I am in Portland, Oregon, home of immense mountains, beautiful ocean shores, hipsters, the best beer anywhere and, for some reason, soccer. Mike is a big time slumlord in New York City and will be riding a Can Am Spyder. Word of warning though. If you search for Can Am on your Google machine be careful. You might not get the website you wanted. My brother-in-law Joe, like all fine Italian-Americans runs a completely legit above board dental lab business which is beyond reproach and there is no reason to stick your nose where it doesn’t belong so you might want to mind your own business if you know what’s good for you.  No one likes a rat. Grant, also in Kansas City is burly and has several tattoos of skulls. He owns a fancy Harley and plans to get in plenty of biker fights during our trip.

I also invited Uncle Drew from Texas,  even offering to put him in a sidecar for the week. He declined, saying, “I’m just sitting here trying to decide which one of you guys I trust to drive me around in a sidecar.”  His point was well-taken and, without Uncle Drew, the four of us set a date of July of 2014, which seemed like it was 3 years away. Dozens of emails and phone conversations later we are now at T-minus 7 days. Holy crap!  Now I have to get packed.

The plan is to update the blog daily if possible. That could change if I run out of power, there is no wifi or I am eaten by a griz. The daily updates are posted under Recent Posts below so that is where you should go while you are sitting alone in your kitchen day after day, eating cold cereal and soggy toast for dinner, waiting and hoping that the phone will ring or a Jehovah’s Witness will knock on the door to provide a brief respite from the cold, cruel world. Sorry, I went off the cliff for a second.

Select  +Follow at the top (or side) of the page you will get a notification when I post. Also, check out TrackmyTour, which is a great way to follow us each day and look at a photo or two of Grant eating Ramen noodles or Mike taking a growler in the woods. Actually I probably won’t take pictures of that.

Feel free to share this blog with friends or family members who might be interested. Better yet, you can inflict this abomination upon your enemies or annoying work people and enjoy the taste of sweet, sweet revenge.

18 thoughts on “Wild Hogs in Alaska

  1. Boys!! This is your OLD Aint Carolyn! I just have one thing to say about this adventure of yours……. Just REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!!! (That;s a Grandma Koelling saying, you know !) A definite representation of the Koelling family. Let’s keep us proud!! Have an amazing time and I will be following your travels!

  2. I wish that I didn’t know about any of this until it was over like many other things that have happened in this family that I wasn’t told about until after the fact!! Safe travels to my sons & sons in law, & have a wonderful adventure!!

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